Your impact is the response you get

“Is she out of clean clothes?” I asked looking up from the empty suitcase I was attempting pack, trying to keep my cool. 

We were getting ready for a trip away with our baby daughter. I’d just come back from three days away delivering training programmes for a client to find Sophie’s dirty clothes forming a big pile on the floor. 

We were now H-2 before departure time and Sophie had no more vests. Now, as I’ve recently discovered becoming a new mum, vests are the staple of a baby’s apparel.

And we were out.

My question dropped like a bomb on Mark who had just spent days holding the fort on his own, ‘enjoying’ daily 5am wake ups, nursery runs, baby food being spat on his face and the walls - amongst other delights!

The words I had spoken a few seconds earlier were fine. But my impact was not.

I could tell because Mark stopped breathing for at least three seconds. And his whole face tensed up. 

I’d got it wrong in the context of Mark having taken care of absolutely everything short of the laundry whilst I’d been away. I’d got it wrong in my intonation. In my body language. In what I was implying. 

What could have been a neutral question came across as a judgement. Our exchange wasn’t going as planned and it was time for me to adjust my impact before things got out of hand. 

If this sounds familiar, read on. Whether it’s at home or at work, with a spouse or a colleague, chances are you’ve had these types of conversations. The ones where your impact doesn’t match your intention. 

Your impact is the response you get.

This sentence summarises one of the key factors when it comes to managing difficult conversations without damaging the relationships that matter the most. 

Your impact is how others feel in response to what you do and say, which plays a key role in how a difficult conversation unfolds.

When others feel heard in their complaint, challenged to improve or inspired to find solutions (to name a few productive impacts) in response to what we do and say, great things happen. Controversial ideas are exchanged, solutions are found and relationships become more resilient. 

When instead they feel hurt, humiliated or resentful (to name a few unproductive impacts) in response to what we do and say, defences come up. Toxic behaviours are likely to show their heads, dialogue is blocked and obstacles multiply. 

In every moment of every interaction, we have an impact. It is created through the words we say, how we say them, what we imply, our body language and more.

We have an impact even when we do nothing. The exact same combination of behaviours will have a different impact on different people.

We can’t control our impact because we can’t control how someone feels. Yet it’s essential we do our best to influence a situation through intentional impact, both in service of the outcome we’re hoping to reach and the relationship we want to preserve. Impact is a tricky business. It’s also an incredibly empowering one.

Think of your clients, your colleagues or your boss - not mention your children, your spouses or your friends. 

We become more agile with our impact by being intentional about creating the emotional presence that is of service.

Next time you find yourself unsure about your impact, look for the response you get. That’s where the feedback is. Then adjust until you manage to create the impact that will serve both what’s at stake in your difficult conversation and the relationship. 

In my case, I took a deep breath and apologised to Mark for my unfair comment. I told him how grateful I was that he is a rockstar of a partner and dad. 

This time my impact made us both more efficient in our task and infused our relationship with positivity. 

Vests were washed upon arrival at destination and all was well after all.